THE BLESSED CRUD

 

One of our deacons has been hassling for The Church of the Blessed Curmudgeon to have its own Creed.

OK, I guess this neophyte has been too busy hauling crosses around to notice that we mentioned this in a previous post.

Before he becomes a nuisance (and we need him to chop up that cross, the tabernacle and those silly Stations of the Cross paintings from the old church for firewood), here's a first cut at our 'Credo' which we will name THE BLESSED CRUD.

I don't believe in God, as there's no Father Almighty and no creator of heaven and earth;
and I certainly don't believe in Jesus Christ who apparently purported to be this 'almighty father's' only Son with a self-appointed title of 'Our Lord',
who was, get this, said to be conceived by a holy seagull and born of a virgin named Mary! They said that he suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried. (Are you still with us?)
Legend has it that he descended into Hell; the third day he rose again from the dead?
It's then said that he ascended into Heaven, and now sits at the right hand of his father, God, the Father almighty and, sometime in the future, will return to judge the living and the dead.
I don't believe in this holy seagull, am suspicious of the holy Catholic Church, think that the communion of saints is nonsense, that the forgiveness of sins is some sort of desperate 'Get out of Jail Free card' for Catholics and that this resurrection of the body and life everlasting thing is utter bullshit. To be honest, I believe that this religion thing, and in particular the Catholic take on Christianity is a scam.

I freely admit that some poetic licence was taken by using and adapting The Apostles' Creed but then, Christianity and in particular Catholicism has got by for centuries by borrowing ideas, concepts, images, festivals. 'miracles' sayings and 'beliefs' from other religions.

In time, if I do have time, I'll adapt the longer Nicene Creed.

This will be our CRUD and will be an integral part of our CATACLYSM.




Stay posted.

MOVING ALONG

 

GOD'S BUILDING A CHURCH

Things are coming along nicely at the CHURCH OF THE BLESSED CURMUDGEON. We have resource consents in the pipeline, registration papers have been filed, a block of land has been appropriated taken bought borrowed from some old people and site clearing is in progress. There was an old church on the land but that is being removed thanks to the support of the acolytes deacons who have signed up.

"Thanks Brother Robert, that'll do nicely for the fire-pit and hangi."

"When you've finished there Sisters, I have another job for you."

The church itself, as we've said will be the floating one that is to be bought (all contributions gratefully appreciated) but a boathouse and bar/cabana chapel is being built on the beach.

SHEESH!

YOU'R COMING ALONG

 

YOU'RE COMING ALONG

Greetings BCBs (Blessed Curmudgeon Believers).

Here's an update on the development of my our your Church:

The Church of the Blessed Curmudgeon will be the newest Church in the country which already has too many religions. I read today that there are nearly 200 different religions here  which is far too many. They are all clamouring for the money support from a dwindling percentage of people who actually believe in religion.

The Church of the Blessed Curmudgeon has plans to reverse this trend but to do so will make the Church user friendly in ways that the others don't. Here are some examples:

• Services will be on Mondays and not Saturdays or Sundays.
• The Babble will have lots of picture pages and will be available in audio-book form as well as being able to be read on line.
• The Cataclysm will not have silly scarymots but will be full of helpful advice like - "Don't pick your toenails while out on a first date" and "Remember to Use air freshener when in the bathroom for extended time".
• The actual church will not be a bricks and mortar building but something much more exciting.*

* As I live in a seaside haven it occurred to me that our congregation would benefit from owning having a share of contributing to buying a floating church that we can moor close to my house. Fortunately some ideal boats, ships really, have come on to the market given the constraints put on the current owners.

I you will enjoy the Monday church service where our female 'deacons' will serve the communion wine with the communion hosts ( a selection of tasty toppings available) as we celebrate The Blessed Curmudgeon.

If you can't make the Monday service because you are working, have no worries as your contributions will be mentioned in the service and toasted at every opportunity.

Sheesh!

SO YOU WANNA BE A CHURCH LEADER?

I've started the research for setting up my church. Boy it's complicated. Where's the Emperor Constantine when you need him?

On-line I found the process for setting up a registered charitable trust (or church).

The following steps outline the process for setting up a registered charitable trust. This information supplements Charitable Trusts of the Community Resource Kit.


Your group has decided to set up a registered charitable trust...
1. Meet and:
decide whether it will be society-or trust-based
decide on a name
decide who will be the trustees or board members and how the trust or society will operate
draft a trust deed or constitution that includes your aims, powers and rules of the trust or board.
2. Go to Societies and Trusts Online website (http://www.societies.govt.nz) and:
check the name is available
review rules of other charitable trusts
download application form or ring 0508 762 438 for forms to be posted out.
3. Call a meeting of the trust board. At this meeting your board or trustees need to:
approve the trust deed (trust-based) or rules (society-based)
approve the application for incorporation documents, including the registered office and statutory declaration
elect a secretary, treasurer and management committee (for a society)
4. Send the completed documents back to the Companies Office.
5. The Companies Office informs your group that it is now a registered charitable trust and sends you a certificate.
6. To maintain your registration you will need to file the following documents with the Registrar of Incorporated Societies:
rule changes (including name changes)
address changes.

If you are registered with Charities Services, you will need to notify changes and file an annual return (including annual accounts) with Charities Services.

Quite frankly I can't be bothered with all that so, and please keep this quiet, I'll start up my church 'under the counter' without going through all that bureaucratic hobbly-de-do.  Yes there might be a risk involved but, like all good church organisations I'll ensure that the members carry the can leaving me to get away Scot-free (Macbeth Act 2, scene 3). It's only fair after all as I AM Blessed.

HALLELUIAH

 JEFF BUCKLEY - HALLELUIAH

Yes, you're reading about it here - the first Curmudgeon's church which, for this one, we've named THE CHURCH OF THE BLESSED CURMUDGEON:

The Church Of The Blessed Curmudgeon*

I chose the Leonard Cohen song as I like Cohen's music and Buckley did a pretty good version of it. It also fits the theme of this blog

Now I've done my best, I know it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come here to London just to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand right here before the Lord of song
With nothing, nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

In future posts I will outline the philosophy of this church and its guiding principles which, for want of a better term I'll call its Cataclysm**. The Cataclysm  is a summary or exposition of doctrine and will serve as a learning introduction to the Scarymots *** which will be used in catechesis, or Christian religious teaching of children and adult converts.

The Cataclysm and its Scarymots will be housed within a holy book I've devised aptly named The Babble****. The Babble, not unlike the Christian's Bible will be full of silly stories, anecdotes and things to scare children (see Scarymots) and will unashamedly draw from the works of the famous Godspoliers***** like the Grimm brothers, Pushkin, Perrault, Anderson and Dahl.

I'm pleased to announce that there will be links to some other religious oriented bloggers. First up will be The Religious Curmudgeon, Angry Jesus and Robert the apathetic and sanctimonious toilet cleaner (don't ask).

Welcome to this blog and, as early adopters of the religion of THE CHURCH OF THE BLESSED CURMUDGEON, you will be eligible for a 25% discount on the weekly tithe (normally 10% of earnings - after tax). In addition, once I get the church shop up and running you can print out this inaugural and commemorative post to be used as a one-off voucher to receive a glass of Hawkes Bay chardonnay (with a label) and a couple of  CHURCH OF THE BLESSED CURMUDGEON hosts with a choice of toppings. There will be none of that crappy altar wine and dry hosts here.

May I be with you.

The Blessed Curmudgeon

* The more pedantic reader will notice that the font type used is named 'Righteous' which seems appropriate.

** The Cataclysm is loosely based on the Catholic Catechism but will contain more common sense and believability.

*** Scarymots are the 'sacraments' of THE CHURCH OF THE BLESSED CURMUDGEON and, while designed to scare the shit out of potential believers will also offer some words (mots) of advice some of which you will be familiar with if you've read any of Angry Jesus's posts like: "Don't put your shithouse next to your water supply."

**** The Babble, not to be confused with The Bible. It will come with special weekly offers and discounts at your favourite businesses and services like e.g. Madams Divine Mercy Dominatrix Clinic.

***** Godspoilers are the messengers and reporters that I will use to tell my story to the masses.